17 March 2008
IT IS ESSENTIAL
Posted by Robin Easton under: Hobnobbin' with Robin .
I share these thoughts with a certain amount of vulnerability. Nonetheless I am compelled to share as I strive for inner truth and the opportunity to become more fully Robin. Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about loving myself and others, and what that means.
So that you know, right here on this page, I am not a perfect person. I have made my share of mistakes. I have said things, done things that hurt people, things I wish I had not said or done, things I wish I could tiptoe into the night and gently kiss away. Honestly, I have done things I feel ashamed of, but as of today I will embrace all things and love Robin.
When I was younger I thought that when I made a mistake or did something wrong, people had a right to jump down my throat, blame me, yell at me, accuse me or talk to me in righteous, arrogant and condescending tones. They had a right to treat me poorly, “after all I did make a mistake”. I also thought it was normal to grovel for forgiveness. I don’t think I am singular in these feelings. I have seen deeply kind people accept condemnation as if they deserved it because of their mistakes.
I also know that anger, blame and arrogance can be feelings we all experience when we are hurt by another person’s mistake. But I now know something more. Although I am not a perfect person I am a kind and compassionate person, a forgiving and lovable person. I now know that even if I make a mistake or don’t meet someone’s expectations, no one has the right to attack me, blame me, degrade me or abuse me in any way. It will not serve them or me. They have a right to share their feelings but in a sharing-as-equals way, bringing to the table acknowledgment of their own mistakes and imperfections.
We are all human and none of us perfect. We all “lose it” at times. However, it recently hit me with gut intelligence that a loving person does not degrade another person when mistakes are made. When we degrade and blame another person we degrade and blame ourselves. We become the very accusations we make. In my heart I also try to remember that my accuser is hurting and still absolutely worthy of love, even in his or her mistakes.
I am learning that when a loving person is confronted with another person’s mistake they try to teach, share, forgive, let go and love…even when love is not returned. I am learning that a loving person never keeps score. Bit-by-bit I am learning to love others even when they do keep score…they are still absolutely worthy of love. There is no hierarchy of better and worse.
I am deeply grateful for the people in my life who have taught me these things, people who have the courage to let go and make love a priority. Even with our human failings, mistakes and pain, we all deserve to be loved. It is essential.
From my heart,
Robin
This Site: © Robin Easton
Website: http://www.nakedineden.com
Blog: http://nakedineden.com/nakedinedenblog/
9 Comments so far...
Makinart Says:
18 March 2008 at 8:50 pm.
Ah Robin! Your depth of compassion and acceptance is immense. Glad you are letting go of the rest. Just had a long talk about compassion today with a friend, for it’s one aspect I work at cultivating more.
Let your morning time be filled with love’s vibration nuturing your soul from every direction. The four directions celebrate your devotions. Namaste.
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sctshep Says:
24 March 2008 at 1:42 pm.
You are absolutely right and I think this is a very difficult line of thought especially as you get into more dramatic and profound situations. I also think it points out how we have – I’m searching for a phrase – fogged over the concept of love. To be honest I’m not even sure what it means anymore except to say it probably is so much more profound than we give it credit for that to even define it might be futile. I have worked with people who have had their children murdered or sexually abused. One of my posts refers to a specific situation. To see how this father was able to move away from a hate based reality to one where he chose to dedicate his life to his daughter and celebrate her life by the way he lived was an incredible sight to see. And though I agree with you (and I love your choice of words) that even this person is “absolutely” worthy of love, I might be able to live in the world of absolutely as it seems a more abstract concept, I think I would be hardpressed to see how that translates into my daily life. Like the father in my post, to get to the point where I could refocus my life to eliminate the deadly force of hate might be the best I could do. In fact as a counselor I probably wouldn’t even broach the subject of this person (the murderer) being worthy of love because, again the word love comes into question – what does that mean in this situation, and what does it mean in general. Can I be a loving person and just choose to not hate this person and forget about debating if he or she is worthy of love? You strike me as an incredibly kind, caring person who is very introspective and very loving. Your friends are lucky to have you. As Makinart says “Namaste”
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Robin Easton Says:
24 March 2008 at 4:48 pm.
Aaah yes, Sctshep. I had all these thoughts or variations of them and wondered if someone would raise these questions. Thank you. As I wrote this post I thought of women I know who have been raped. I thought of various other hard core crimes and asked myself, “Where do they fit into this picture of love?” Are they even forgivable? Is it possible for a person to recover?
What I have found is that it varies for each individual. I know of women who have been raped and have not recovered. I know of others that have found deep and genuine peace. A long time ago I read a true story about a woman whose son was killed by (I think) a gang member (teenager). After being unable to recover from the loss, she went into the prison and confronted the killer and told him all of her feelings. She made many visits and eventually found peace. From what I can remember she said it changed both his life and hers. Over several years they became friends and I think they went on to help each other is a variety of ways. But I’m sure this is rarely the case. There are perpetrators of crimes who would NEVER be reachable or reform-able in ANY way. But that is another tangent. : )
I do know that we all respond to things differently and at various depths. It certainly is a big issue and would make for a powerful discussion. I would like to think that those of us who have NOT had a child murdered (been raped, molested, or violated in any other heinous way)…that we could realize how blessed we are and be thankful for a good life. I hope that in light of that realization we might let go of our petty angers and hates or at least begin to deal with them in a healing way. I believe that for those of use who haven’t had these horrible experiences there is a lot of room to move forward, grow and interact with more love and forgiveness. In other words we can use the extreme cases to gain perspective and give thanks that we are basically whole. We can live that thanks by being more loving.
I deeply admire your courage in being present and witnessing someone in profound and incomprehensible pain. That takes enormous inner strength and commitment. Bless you. I also admire those who choose “life” over and over, no matter what is thrown at them, even when it seems an impossible task to do. They are such an inspiration.
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sctshep Says:
24 March 2008 at 6:51 pm.
Can I tell you something Robin? When I used to do a lot of counseling one on one (now I do more presentations to groups) I used to tell people the situations I loved most were the ones dealing with death and dying. I’m sure some people thought I was crazy but those situations cut closest to the bone and the spirit. They took the nice sounding thoughts and philosophies and put them to the test. I got really tired of the run of the mill counseling because so many people were just fighting to stay miserable. Not that I’m judging them because there are times I do the same thing. But it got old. But when you’re talking to someone who is dying or who has lost a loved one there’s no time for whining or b.s. It’s nitty gritty time. And to be invited by someone into that situation is incredible. It isn’t about me being some kind of savior or coming to the rescue. It’s about being real with someone and knowing that I can’t fix it but I can be there and walk that trail with them as best I can.
I was going to my 40th high school reunion a few years ago and I went to my old high school to get my tickets. A woman came out and said that I probably didn’t remember her but that years ago her father was dying and was in total denial. He wouldn’t talk about it and was almost pretending that nothing was wrong. The reality was totally different. She said that after I went in to see him he called her in the room and said that they needed to take care of business and get all the records together so everyone knew where things were. She said he was totally different, not only about that, but about all of his relationships. It allowed everyone to be with him and say goodbye in their own ways. I still get teary about that. It’s not an ego trip. To me it’s the essence. People connecting with each other. Not superficial but real. What I truly appreciate about you even across many miles is your life force. The other stuff, your communication skills, sense of humor, etc. are all important, but they are details. Your life force is incredible. My wife has that force. She walks in a room and it’s different. I feel blessed to have met you and I hope we continue to communicate.
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Robin Easton Says:
25 March 2008 at 1:35 pm.
What a wonderful story. One of the many things that touched me about it was that this woman thanked you after all those years and remembered what you had done. How incredible is that? VERY! I love stories like this. …….AND how precious for you to have that unexpected feedback and “knowing” that you made, and are making, a difference. The far reaching magic of kindness blows my mind. It goes to show that when we do something kind we might not always get positive feedback right away, but that does NOT mean we aren’t influencing the people around us in a positive way. In fact thinking about your story just now I had this thought: we have to move through the world being as kind as we can, whenever we can and know that it’s never wasted. It may or may not affect the intended person, (although it might later in life) but I like to believe that it goes out into the collective energy bringing about wonderful change…even if it’s only in ourselves, and we feel happier, more gentle and connected to love.
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Lilly Says:
26 March 2008 at 5:02 am.
Robin, I loved this post. To me its all about respecting one another and being mindful of crossing another’s personal boundaries. Respecting each others’ differences, opinions, backgrounds, thoughts etc and being mature enough to talk about it openly. Kindness is respect to me. We need to acknowledge and validate each other. The reality is you cannot do that for everyone so you do have to know when its time to walk away as well. Sometimes, no amount of kindness will melt a cold black heart. And, unfortunately evil exists. The danger is, the greater kindness shown to some, the more you can be taken advantage of. That is why we have to love and respect ourselves and maintain our personal boundaries. The rest then comes easily. I know how easy evil can destroy self respect and ultimately people’s lives. I also know what simple acts of kindness can do. These simple acts may create miracles for others, some you may never even see. Your writings always touch me and I know to feel deeply about these issues you have had to deal with them. I firmly believe that some measure of pain in our lives does indeed allow us to grow in ways we could never have imagined. We need to be able to understand what it’s like to walk in another’s shoes so that we can truly empathise and show the level of kindness others deserve. You are so right about the measure you deserve and are entitled to. Hold onto that. It is the most freeing feeling in the world to express and discuss our vulnerabilities. I call it being open and honest and true. And the surprising thing is we all have more in common than we ever thought possible. There is something truly healing in knowing that.
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lizh Says:
29 March 2008 at 8:20 am.
Now I’m the one nodding wholeheartedly in agreement. We have all said and done things in our lives that we regret, that is what makes us human. It took me a long time to stand up for ‘myself’, not allowing people to treat me in any disrespectful manner. That was a difficult step, but one I have learned to take..Next in importance, you state perfectly: “….I am learning that when a loving person is confronted with another person’s mistake they try to teach, share, forgive, let go and love…even when love is not returned. I am learning that a loving person never keeps score. Bit-by-bit I am learning to love others even when they do keep score…they are still absolutely worthy of love.” Such an important and true statement but a lesson that (for me) sometimes needs to be continuously learned. Thanks for reminding me…again. -liz
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brainteaser Says:
11 April 2008 at 6:30 pm.
Ah, Robin! You are so insightful! I am devouring your pages!
I love this part:
“When we degrade and blame another person, we degrade and blame ourselves. We become the very accusations we make. In my heart I also try to remember that my accuser is hurting and still absolutely worthy of love, even in his or her mistakes.”
Not keeping a score is one of the things I’ve learned lately from my best buddy, my boyfriend. He is compassionate. And more importantly, he is so mature when dealing with our differences. We talk about problems without the resentments and blaming that I used to think were normal emotions one feels when wronged in any way. Now I know how to look at other people’s mistakes, and realize that more likely, they did not intend to hurt me, and that it also hurts them that they’ve hurt me.
Yes, I think we ought to love ourselves… to forgive ourselves when we make mistakes. The moment we stop being harsh on ourselves, we realize we are worthy of love. And when we feel loved, it is easier for us to share love. As they say, we cannot share what we do not have. So let’s begin by loving ourselves.
Love your posts, Robin. I love your soul!
—Sherma http://www.brainteaser.wordpress.com
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