Thank you for sharing this, I think most of us are like those people, not really asking how the person feels, and I’m guilty of that too.. We think that “my condolences” makes everything better!

Why that is, I think is because of the age and society we live in. I know everywhere there is violence and crime, but sometimes it feels like where I live it’s the Crime HQ of the world. Death here is such an everyday thing, and I’m not kidding, I only listen to the news when I’m driving in my car (Still no TV) and I think about every second day, if not everyday we hear about someone who was killed, be that a farm murder, a hijacking, or just a random killing, but here in SA it’s an everyday thing. We are so used to hearing all these deaths, surely by now everyone should be able to cope with death.. But sad truth, it’s still a personal and emotional loss, and we don’t think about that any more..

Thank you for this post, I can see that there are still kind souls on this earth and that makes me want to be one of those kind ones too..

Bless your heart!

I just found your blog through Evita’s “Evolving Beings” blog, and I’m so glad she wrote about you. What you said here will make me think differently the next time I assume it’s more polite to avoid the topic of death, as opposed to connecting with someone who just lost a loved one. Your stories were so moving, and besides thinking you’re a phenomenally sweet and compassionate woman, I now think you’re rather inspirational, too. Thank you for sharing these stories and helping me view my role in consoling people differently.

Bravo! What a wonderful series. You are so right to be annoyed about how people treat those who are grieving. Because it makes so many people uncomfortable to face their own mortality they skirt the issue and do not offer real comfort to those in need. What you did by just listening to your friends is so crucial. All people need is the chance to grieve and have that dirty, messy, snotty cry without anyone judging them or quoting one of these obnoxious quotes, “ It is for the best, They are no longer suffering, and Time heals”

This is a very important post. Well done, sister friend!!!

This has been the most incredible series I have had the privilege of reading. This article especially strikes right in the center of my heart. I am so grateful to you for educating your readers on the isolation most feel when they lose a loved one.

In a past career, I took a lot of heat from coworkers regarding my approach to death. I spent nearly 20 years working as a paramedic responding to hundreds of homes where someone’s loved one had died. Most healthcare workers are trained on preventing death but receive almost no training on how to deal with family members of a person who has died. Typically when faced with this situation, it becomes a race to get out of the home as fast as the situation can be turned over to the coroner.

I can assure you that it is not easy to tell a wife, husband, parent that there is nothing I could do to save their loved one. Whenever possible, I would sit down with the grieving family in hopes of offering support in their grief. A few minutes of holding a widow’s hand while the reality of what had happened sank in was far less than what I wished I could do but in a small way allowed her to not go through it alone. It just felt wrong not to do it. Very few people understood why I did this and I am not sure myself other than a deep feeling that it was somehow important.

Fear of death causes many to run from anything that reminds them of their own mortality. In the process we allow those we should be embracing to suffer in silence. I believe this is why so many spouses die shortly after their partner. Hopefully through your wise words, more people will understand the unintended consequences of our silence and open our hearts to the needs of others during difficult times.

Thank you my dear Robin for the positive perspective you give the world.

Namaste

I hope that when they answer in a rather vague way “I’m fine” .. I’ll know I’ve not addressed where they are at – I haven’t been empathetic to their present feelings …

The other thing that I inadvertently did for my uncle-in-law – well his niece, whom I do not know that well .. but we’d become close in the last few weeks, as I was able to guide her and her father (90) and help them with Derek, keep in close contact etc and ensure that they could visit as often as they felt able to travel. Charlotte decided to do the tribute for her uncle, as others felt unable to do so .. I admire her for doing it – but I’d jotted down some comments I’d received in emails, letters and conversations, some of which she incorporated into the tribute – and which I have been able to include with a letter about the day and sent out to family and friends who were unable to attend – so they can have a last “feel” of that time.

I will start to do that for my mother .. as I keep forgetting things – after nearly 3 years I suppose it’s acceptable. One thing I laugh about, when she came back up from the hospital (quick in and out visit) the other day, since my uncle died, she said “if I have to go in an ambulance again – I’ll be dead!” .. she says what she means – but it made th staff laugh! People have written of the times she employed them – the happy comments .. and they’re the things we need to hear at funerals, or afterwards .. and to treasure. Mum says to me – it keeps the staff happy .. and obviously us all too.

Thanks – you have certainly opened peoples’ eyes .. a good experience for us all
Hilary

You are wonderful in so many ways, and here you are wonderful in that you are redefining death to give it life.

If we now redefine everything we think we know, then our lives, and the world as we perceive it magically changes before our very eyes. We can take note of how we have placed charges or associations to the words that we use. Through this portal of awareness, we can set the world free.

When we are real with what is actually happening, we are ALIVE. Life is so enriching. The suffering comes from holding on, being attached. When we let go and live, everyone and everything becomes so very precious.

Much love to you,
Gail